Happy Birthday, Precious Son

Dear Jason,

You would have turned 30 today. 30 years old. It’s hard to imagine you being 30 years old. You will forever be 19 in our memories.

If you had lived, what would you be doing now? Would you be married? Would you have kids? Would you still live in Washington or would you have moved to another state? What would you do for a living?

We’ll never know. You never had a chance to find out. You never had a chance to make those choices with your life. You never had the chance to find the love of your life, ask her to marry you, or to know the incredible joy of holding your newborn child. You never had a chance to graduate from college, move into your first apartment, buy your first home, or hold a full-time job.

There are so many, many things that you never got a chance to do.

I do know this, though. Whatever you would have done, it would have been with the integrity, empathy, kindness, and caring that were such a part of you. You would have loved with your whole heart and lived a life bringing sunshine and love into the lives of those who knew you.

I’m so sorry you didn’t get a chance to live your life to 30 and way beyond. I’m sure you would have lived it to the fullest. I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to get married or have children. You would have been a wonderful husband and father. I’m so sorry that you were taken from us. The hole you left in our lives is huge.

But, I’m SO GLAD you were born into our family. I’m SO GLAD you were OUR boy, our precious son.

I miss you, my precious Mr. Jay. My Mr. Sunshine.

I love you…always. I miss you. You are always in my heart.

Happy birthday, Jason.

Mom

© 2012 Rebecca R. Carney

Alina’s Birthday

From my journal dated December 12, 2002:

Alina's surprise 18th birthday party

Alina would have been 21 today. I’m sure this is a tough day for her family.

This morning I was thinking about the surprise birthday party Jason and Hannah planned for Alina when she turned 18. That was so much fun – to so successfully surprise Alina, to have all those kids in our house, to be a just a small part of something that obviously gave Alina such happiness.

In my mind, I can still picture Alina, Jason, Hannah and all the other kids in our home that day – having so much fun together. They were all such good friends. I think I still have the birthday candles from the cake somewhere – chunky, yellow and green number 18.

Happy birthday, Alina. Miss you.

© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney

“Hanging in there”

From my journal dated September 25, 2002:

Debra* and her daughter came up to our house today to see the Hawaii pictures. I emailed Lisa* [mutual friends from our old church] to see if she wanted to come by, too. It feels like I don’t really have too much in common any more with either of them. It’s easier for me to just sit back and be a third party. I know I still have some major defense mechanisms that pop up. I keep working on it.

I just don’t feel like saying how I really feel, how I really am. Debra always asks me so seriously how I’m doing, like I’m supposed to open up and really say. I can’t just open up on command. I feel so raw and hurt inside, so ugly and bitter. I always say something like “Hanging in there” or something equally benign. I don’t want people to be able to look into my soul and see how hurt and ugly I am in there…too much pain.

Debra asked what I had planned for my birthday on Monday. I can’t even think about celebrating my birthday without Jason! I don’t feel like celebrating anything at all any more! I don’t want anyone to do anything. Debra said she thought Patricia* was planning on doing something.

NO! I don’t want it! They’ve left me so alone. Why would they do anything now?? I don’t want anything from any of them! I’ve felt so abandoned by all of them, so much pain on top of pain. Do they think doing something for my birthday makes everything okay? Doing something on one day doesn’t make it special! “Special” would have been for them to have been here all along! Don’t swoop down on one day like it’s such a big deal…that you’re doing me such a huge favor to celebrate my birthday! “Ta da! Here we are! We’re here for you today on your birthday!” Where have you been all along??

See…I am so ugly inside. So bitter. I’m so mad at them for leaving me alone, for disappearing, for all the excuses. I don’t want to be like this! I don’t want to have a deformed heart! Help me, God! It’s just so hard.

That person visiting the cemetery is me

From my journal dated July 30, 2002:

Yesterday was Jason’s birthday. It was a tough day for me. Oh, my precious boy. I miss you so much! It’s hard to be here, knowing you’re gone.

I had to go to school in the morning. As I went by the crash site, I about lost it. Someone had tied a balloon onto the cross. After class, I stopped by a flower shop and got some flowers to take to the cemetery.

Floral Hills Cemetery

I look at cemeteries differently now. I used to be distanced from them. A cemetery was a place I looked at and felt sorry for the poor people who were burying a loved one or visiting a gravesite. Now I feel compassion, empathy, and a kinship to the people who are there…which is entirely different than “feeling sorry for.” Now that person at the cemetery isn’t some disconnected entity…it’s me, visiting the graves of my son and his friend who were killed in the prime of their lives.

Jason’s birthday

From my journal dated July 29, 2002:

Jason's birthday - July 29, 1982

Jason’s birthday.

Jason would have been 20 years old today. It would have been a great day to celebrate. 9 lbs. 10 1/2 oz., 7:15 a.m., 7/29/82, auburn hair (that quickly turned blond), beautiful baby boy. Such a fun little guy. I am so glad he was born in our family. I’m so sad he’s gone.

Jenna’s birthday

From my journal dated July 16, 2002:

I think Jenna had a good birthday, all things considered. She looked beautiful. Dinner was wonderful; she was surprised and happy to see those we had invited. The Cascades, Mt. Rainier and downtown Seattle looked so beautiful! I’m so glad she had a good day. She deserves it!

Approaching birthdays

From my journal dated July 14, 2002:

Jenna and Jason - joint birthday party July 1999

Tomorrow is Jenna’s birthday. She’ll be 18. She really hasn’t wanted to plan anything. With her and Jason’s birthdays two weeks apart, I think it’s hard for her to think of celebrating without him. There has always been such an air of festivity in July.

We finally decided to go out to dinner to Daniel’s Broiler [nice, expensive restaurant with beautiful view] in Bellevue. Joe and I just wanted to make it as special as we can for her. It’s been one of our favorite places to go for special occasions since we discovered it. We’re surprising her by inviting a couple of people she knows. I hope she has a wonderful day.

God, please give her a good day. She really needs it.