Waiting and waiting

From my journal dated May 17, 2002:

You know, I’m just not doing that well. I struggle so much to control my emotions. I’m so restless, I can barely concentrate. It still doesn’t seem real. It can’t be us!! It can’t be Jason!! I just want it all to change. Change back.

Sometimes I realize that I’m just sitting and waiting…I’m subconsciously waiting for Jason to come home. Listening for his car to drive up the driveway. Waiting and waiting.

I went into Jason’s room for a minute this morning. I haven’t been in there lately. It seems like his smell is fading. I don’t want it to fade. I don’t want him to fade. I don’t want his memory to fade in those who knew him.

Are they forgetting him already?

It’s so strange to think that we’ll eventually know people who never knew Jason. People will never know this fantastic, bright, funny, sunshine-y son of ours.

How can he be gone? What am I going to do? I just don’t seem to be able to cope.

I look in the hall closet and see his jackets, his shoes, all the games he loved to play. I remember playing Yahtzee on his birthday one year. He got six Yahtzees in a row!! It was so incredible…I kept the score card. We were so amazed…on his birthday, he got six Yahtzees in a row!! It just tickled him so much…we laughed and laughed about it.

I miss him so much. How do I do this? My heart is so broken. I just don’t know what to do. It’s too much to bear.