From my journal dated March 15, 2002:
I am so worried about Jenna. I think she feels she has to be strong for us, that it hurts us to see her grieve. We have to be honest with each other – to grieve honestly. It’s not healthy to stuff it down.
I don’t want to lean on her so that she feels trapped. She needs her own car, her own schedule. I’m afraid she feels she needs to “be here” for us, to be “up” for us so that she doesn’t contribute to our sadness.
On top of that, I think she feels terribly alone – that at least Joe and I have each other, but she has no one now that Jason is gone. She and Jason were so much joined at the heart. He was there, no matter what. When no one else was there or friends were flaky, Jason was there. Besides being siblings, they were best friends.
When anyone asks how she’s doing, she says she’s “fine.” None of us are “fine”. We are absolutely crushed.
Jenna is so precious to me. I just love her so much. I don’t want her to feel alone. Who can she count now now? I wish I could just take all the hurt from her – this huge grief…and all the other hurts caused by other people. I would take all her pain if I could.
© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney