No, it’s not getting better

From my journal dated April 25, 2002:

I’m struggling with feeling bitter again about people not being here for us.

Debra* called yesterday about getting together for coffee today. When I told her I might not have a car since Jenna and I have to share one for now, she started hedging – well, she might be able to make sure no one else needed her car so she could possibly drive all the way out to our house. She is no further away from our house than anyone else! It just felt like it was such an effort for her to come to our house. It just feels like she doesn’t really want to be here, that it’s a duty she feels she has to do…as long as I can come to her. I just don’t have the energy.

It just stings…it hurts…that the people we wanted to be here for us – anticipated being here for us – have really let us down.

Excuses, excuses. How often does a person lose a child? Can’t they even make any adjustments to make us feel loved, cared for, comforted? How can we be open with people who we aren’t sure really care? How can we tell that they care? “Church” family…what a misnomer, misconception. Real family would be here for us no matter what.

I just keep praying for God to help me not to be bitter. “Create a clean heart within me, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” God, please help me!!

It just seems like it’s got to be more than just pie-in-the-sky. Reality in the real world…apply your Christianity to the world around you where you can be the hand of God to each other. Isn’t that what we are supposed to be – the hands and feet of God in this world? I know people are busy, but so busy we can’t even do the work God has right before our noses isn’t good. Me, too…gotta remind myself, too. I can’t judge, can I? I fail so miserably, too.

I probably drove Debra* away for good. She kept pushing for me to open up. But then when I told her how alone we’ve been and how much we’ve needed them to be here for us, she asks if Lisa* has been over. When I said something earlier to Susan* about being lonely, she asked if Debra* had been up. It’s like it’s someone else’s responsibility…but no one is doing it.

She said something like it’s only been 7 weeks. It seems like forever. One of her weeks, one of her days, can feel like an eternity to us, especially when we’re so alone. I don’t know anyone who could take being left alone as much as we have, though…but it’s supposed to be okay for us?? It already feels like it’s too late for people to be here for us…I don’t know that I trust them with my broken heart.

Kathy* called and asked if “it’s getting better.” NO, it will never be better! It feels like sadness pervades my whole being.

Oh, what are we going to do without Jason??? How do we go on???

I’m stuck in time at a moment without him. He was my ray of sunshine. My heart is so broken. I thought I knew what heartbreak was, but I really didn’t know what a broken heart was until now. It’s not getting any better, and it’s not getting any easier.

I don’t know what to do to change things. I just want Jason back. I want to walk into his room in the mornings and hear his sleep “Hi, mommy.” Even as a 19 year old, he’d still call me “mommy” once in a while. I was in Jason’s room the other morning. It seems like he should be back any minute. All I have to do is plug in the Christmas lights and turn on his computer, and he’ll be right home, won’t he?

How I wish I could change that awful night. How do I go on?

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