Seeing through a dark glass

From my journal dated May 13, 2002:

I’m so tired of being alone. I don’t have any friends. How can I have no friends? My family is so far away. The emptiness of Jason being gone seeps so deep inside me I don’t know where it begins or ends.

Jenna wants to work more…and that’s okay. It leaves me alone more, but that’s not her responsibility. She needs to be busy and have a life. She will move on into her own life.

My life has been so intertwined with my kids. I was looking forward to Jenna launching into her own life. And now I dread it. I was looking forward to Jason’s graduation, marriage, kids. And now I feel so robbed. The future looks so bleak for me. I just can’t see past all this pain to a future of anything else besides emptiness, loneliness and pain.

I just don’t know what to do with myself any more. No one’s here to help me! I feel like this sorrow is going to swallow me – drown me – and there’s no one to throw me a line. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to help me stay afloat. The hours are so long and nothing interests me – movies, TV, homework, cooking. Nothing seems to be of any value.

I know Jason is with God. He’s standing before God and praising Him. I want to please God, and I know Jason is cheering us on. The Bible talks about “a great cloud of witnesses” cheering us on…and I know Jason is right up at the front cheering the loudest. My pride and joy – oh, how my heart breaks not to have him here. He sees a clear picture now, but mine is so dark.

I’m so tired…and tired of being alone…and tired of being so sad it’s all I can do to keep from crying. My mouth is raw where I keep biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from crying all the time…I don’t want to make people even more uncomfortable or no one will ever want to be around me. No one has been here to hold me, to help me. God, where are you? Where is the good in all this? Where are your people?  Are they forgetting Jason already? How can all these people not care? How can all these people not be here for us?

I don’t understand. I just can’t see. It’s just such a long, lonely walk.


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