Some good days, some bad days

From my journal dated May 2, 2002:

I just hate my life right now. I hate how I am…I’m so sad.

No one wants to be around me – not even Jenna or Eric. I don’t blame them. I feel like this ugly, sad lump. Who would want to be around that? I’m so lonely, but I don’t think being around people would help. I don’t know of anything that’s going to help. I don’t even feel like I can sit up straight sometimes. I don’t really tell people how I’m doing. They don’t want to hear it, so I just make some inane comment like, “Some good days, some bad days.”

Sometimes I’m just so full of pain I don’t know how to bear it. Sometimes I just want to take a whole bottle of pills or something just so the pain will stop. I know that doesn’t make any sense – stupid thing to do. I would never do that to my family. I just feel so alone, so sad.

There are things I could/should do around here, but nothing holds any interest for me. I feel like I’m just putting in hours until I can take a sleeping pill and zonk out again…so I don’t have to feel anything any more.

I gave birth to all three of them – Eric, Jason and Jenna. They are all so much a part of me, so deeply in my heart. Unless you’re a mother, you don’t realize that you NEVER stop hoping for or hurting for or loving your kids. My life has been invested in them. So many conscious decisions based on them! And now what do I do?

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