Comparative grief

From my journal dated May 29, 2002:

I went to a movie and coffee with Debra* today. It was a comedy movie, but I find that I have a hard time laughing. I also have a hard time talking about how I’m doing. I have a tendency to shy away from the subject. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a private person or don’t want to cry in public. It may be both. Or maybe it’s hard for me to be transparent with people who I feel have not been there for us. It’s a trust issue.

I can talk about other things – the criminal investigation, a little bit about how Joe and Jenna are doing – but nothing too deep. I don’t know that she’d understand, anyway.

Debra* talked about going to see her mother’s grave and how this was the first time in four years she could handle Mother’s Day without such sadness. She was trying to tell me that she understands my grief, knows how I feel and what I’m going through, and it would get easier. Maybe it’s just my perception right now, but I don’t think there’s any greater grief that losing a child…particularly such a great guy as Jason. I don’t know how you compare one death to another.

Just saying that sounds stupid – like “my pain is greater than your pain.” But that’s not what I mean. It’s more like, “You can’t understand the depths of grief at losing a child unless you’ve been there.”

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This entry was posted in Bereaved Parent, Death of a child, Grief/Grieving and tagged , by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

My name is Becky Carney. My husband, Joe, and I have been married for 40 years. We have two living children, Eric (37) and Jenna (32). We lost a baby in utero at 19 weeks in 1987. In 2002, our middle son, Jason (19), and his best friend, Alina (20), were broadsided by a drunk driver who was going at least twice the speed limit. They both died instantly. This blog is written from my perspective as a bereaved parent. I don't claim to know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes. Each situation is different; each person is different. Everyone handles grief differently. But if I can create any degree of understanding of what it's like to be a parent who has lost a child, then I have succeeded in my reason for writing this blog.

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