From my journal dated June 4, 2002:
Today was such a hard day for me. I just couldn’t seem to hold it together. I cried on the way to school…I’m sure I looked a mess. Then I went to the chiropractor, but I could hardly carry on a conversation. I’m sure everyone wonders what’s the matter with me. People just don’t understand.
I bought flowers and took them by the gravesite since I couldn’t go yesterday. I just cried and cried.
Then I took a plant and left it at the crash site. When she asked what she could do to help, I had asked Donna* if she would mind keeping the crash site tidy and picked up. It looks like she forgot, though. I don’t think people realize we have to drive by there sometimes multiple times a day.
I came home and talked to Jenna for a bit before she went to work…and then I fell apart again. I had no idea before this accident that I could cry so hard. It just feels like the pain bends me over.
I was in the hardware store [where Jason used to work] on Sunday. George, his boss, came and gave me a big hug and we talked for a little bit. He said that he “feels for us.” At least I know, with his brother Mike dying, he knows some of the pain we feel. He took Mike’s death so hard.
George said it’s been three years…and that things do get better with time. I told him that it’s hard for me to see that right now.
Jason was such an incredible young man. Why him? This world needs people like Jason…and Alina!!
The college called me today. The chair of the physics department petitioned for Jason to receive his diploma posthumously. We can have them send it to us, have a private presentation with some of the college administrators and his teachers, or we can accept it personally for him at the graduation ceremony. Jason worked so hard for it…it almost seems most fitting to accept it for him at graduation.
He had so many plans…so much he wanted to do with his life. And I couldn’t wait to see it all. I couldn’t cheer him on enough!! I couldn’t wait to see what God did with the life of this incredibly special young man.
I’d look at Jason sometimes in absolute awe that he was in our family…our very own son! I remember when he was born both Joe and I absolutely knew God’s hand was on him, that God had a special purpose for Jason’s life. And now what?
To bereaved parents:
I would like to encourage you that it will get better. It may take longer than you think and it is certainly not an easy journey. One step at a time…one breath at a time…one day at a time. Take care of yourself. Extend grace to yourself to grieve, to learn, to grow. You will never be the same, but you can make it!