From my journal dated June 11, 2002:
Had a call from a lady at church yesterday. She lost her son when he was 13; would have been 41 now.
Someone must have assigned her the job of calling us. I don’t even know her, and yet she acted like she expected me to open up. I’m too private for that. She said I have to go on for my other kids, that God is in control and has a purpose for “allowing” this. I struggle with the “allowing” part!!! If God is such a good Father God to us, why would He allow this to happen? Would we “allow” such a thing to happen to OUR children?
Then she asked if I was bitter and told me to ask God to forgive me for being bitter. She also said that God may have allowed Jason to die to prevent something worse down the road.
I agree that we don’t see the whole picture now, but some of what Christians say to us is ludicrous! No doubt about it…I’m struggling big time with the picture of God as a good God and merciful Father…and struggling to reconcile what I’ve learned and taken for granted with Jason’s death.
I believe Jason would have gotten married, succeeded wherever he went, would have been a great daddy to his kids. That’s what I believe!
“The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” How does that fit? I served God, I prayed and prayed for our kids and their friends. How do I believe now that my prayers “have power with God and with man” when they didn’t protect Jason? When they haven’t helped Jenna since Jason died? When God’s people have left us so alone?
I feel like I’m examining my beliefs to the very core of them. Every concept, every cliche, every sermon, every song, every whatever…I question whether I believe it’s true or not…and I look around and wonder if other Christians really know what they’re saying and singing. Does it actually mean something to them…to me?
So many songs at church don’t hold much meaning to me right now…only the ones that talk about God being holy and worthy. I know Jason is standing before the throne of God singing those same things. I feel torn between being mad at God for not protecting Jason…and wanting to add my voice from here with Jason’s up in heaven.
I want to live my life worthy and upright. I want Jason to be proud of me, to look down from that great cloud of witnesses and say to those around him, “Look at her!! That’s my mom!!” My dad is there, the baby we lost, my grand-nephew Gavyn, Jason, Alina…all gone ahead of us. All cheering us on. It’s hard to be the ones left behind.