Trust has to be earned

From my journal dated July 1, 2002:

M.V.* came by today. Jenna asked me later if I though she was “sent.” I’d have to say yes. She said she wanted to be my friend.

Why now? Why didn’t she respond to all the overtures of friendship last fall when I was going to the Ladies Bible Study? I asked her to lunch, to coffee, to meet me for Ladies Night Out. She had no interest whatsoever – too busy, no time whatsoever to even try to be my friend. Why should I believe her now? Why would she “see” me now…want to be my friend now…when she didn’t before?

I feel like she’s trying to swoop down to “rescue me” – telling me it’s okay to cry, that I’m okay. It sort of feels like someone put her up to it. She said she’d be disappointed if I weren’t till struggling. She told about how she’d miscarried a baby and was relating that experience in a small way to our losing Jason.

I’m so guarded. I feel like I have to protect my wounded heart from…everything. It hurts too much to hope…to believe…that someone will follow through…and then they don’t. I don’t really even know this gal. My only experience in the past with her has been one of, at best, no time or room in her life for a new friend…at worst, outright rejection of my overtures of friendship. If she really wants to be my friend, she’ll try again. I have to be able to trust her…anyone…with my heart….and that’s just hard to do right now. It’s not just automatic. Trust has to be earned.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in "Rescue me", Bereaved Parent, Death of a child, Grief/Grieving, Support and tagged , by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

My name is Becky Carney. My husband, Joe, and I have been married for 40 years. We have two living children, Eric (37) and Jenna (32). We lost a baby in utero at 19 weeks in 1987. In 2002, our middle son, Jason (19), and his best friend, Alina (20), were broadsided by a drunk driver who was going at least twice the speed limit. They both died instantly. This blog is written from my perspective as a bereaved parent. I don't claim to know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes. Each situation is different; each person is different. Everyone handles grief differently. But if I can create any degree of understanding of what it's like to be a parent who has lost a child, then I have succeeded in my reason for writing this blog.

One thought on “Trust has to be earned

  1. Pingback: Trust, Once Broken, is Not Easily Mended | Grief: One Woman's Perspective

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s