It’s just not fair

From my journal dated July17, 2002:

I went for a long walk with Suzanne* yesterday. She said she had wanted to get together, but decided to wait a while since it looked like we had so many people here for us right after Jason died. Maybe a lot of people thought the same thing…and yet we were almost all alone.

I’m trying to have more grace for those who are calling and are at least trying to do something now. God, give me grace!! Help me! It’s such an effort for me to “chat” and trust them that they really care. Some of them, like Suzanne, I can tell are being real about it. Some, I think, just couldn’t do anything. There are two sides to every coin. I know I only see ours. Maybe the flip side would surprise me. Maybe my side would really surprise a lot of people!

I did have a good time walking with Suzanne. She wants to walk regularly, she said, get back in shape…although she’s certainly in better shape than I am! I’m so out of shape…plus I just don’t feel very good. No energy, sore throat, my lungs hurt, pain in my chest.

We talked a bit about Jason and the accident. Suzanne thinks that Jason had done what he was supposed to do here on earth and had done it well, so God took him home. She said she finds comfort in that. She asked me if I thought the aid unit got there fast enough and if they got them to a hospital to try to save them.

I can’t think about Jason being hit like that. He physically took the whole brunt of a car going twice the speed limit. It hit squarely on the driver side door. My precious boy. It’s just not far.

I don’t know the answers to any of the “why’s.” All I have is questions…and pain…and sadness. There’s not much else to me right now.

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