From my journal dated August 6, 2002:
I sort of feel like I’ve been reduced to nothing. I don’t feel like I have anything interesting going on in my life. No one wants to be around me much. Nothing. All my hopes, dreams, joy, my precious boy…they’re all gone. Purpose, direction…I just don’t see any. Friends, support…far and few between.
I’ve been pleading with God for Him to protect Eric, Jenna, Joe. I can’t stand for anything to happen to them!
I was asking God this morning to show me what He wants for my life now. It seems to be such a wasteland right now of lost and broken things. I’m trying to wait and be patient.
In the core of my being, I believe that God can turn all of this around for good…that He can turn this wasteland into a garden again. Sometimes – most times right now, I’m sorry to say – that belief is covered by pain, grief, discouragement, loneliness. I’ve been a Christian for a long time…since I was 5. I don’t really know any other way to believe than to believe that God will work all this out.
It’s just so hard to walk through this valley. The “valley of the shadow of death.” It’s dark, and the pain is so great. It’s a price I don’t want to have to pay…a place I don’t want to be…a place I never thought I would be.