From my journal dated August 18, 2002:
Jenna told me tonight that I need to make people feel comfortable around me. I’m not sure how to do that when I sometimes feel awkward and don’t really know what to say. I’m not a chit-chatter, small-talker. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t care any more. It takes too much effort when I have no energy to even try…it just looks too huge, too much work. I think I’ve been left alone for too long…I don’t know how to deal with people any more.
I’ve tried…but I’m still not breaking the cycle. I’ve reached out, but have felt ignored or blocked in my efforts. I just don’t have energy to put into relationships that are going nowhere. How do I break the cycle? I don’t want to be lonely forever.
We saw Pamela* at Marymoor Park last night. She said something to me about people don’t know if they should invite us to do something fun, like normal. You know, sometimes I have tolerance and understanding why people avoid us or don’t do anything…and sometimes I flat-out don’t!!
Sometimes I wonder what I’d do, and I see that side of the coin…and sometimes it just seems to me that people either have no guts or don’t really care. Just because they’re not sure what to do…just because it’s too uncomfortable to get out of their own comfort zone…we are left terribly alone without adequate support.
Same old song, another verse. Will it ever end? How do I make it change?