Party of 5

From my journal dated September 29, 2002:

Joe and I are so lost on Sundays. We went to church, and then we look at each other and ask, “Now what do we do?” Sundays were days we spent together as a family – church, out to lunch, doing something fun.

Our family is so used to operating in 5’s – 5 Disneyland glasses, 5 Christmas stockings, 5 everything. But it’s like Jason was more than 1/5. It’s hard to explain. He filled in so many areas for all of us – hugs, smiles, help, heart, love. Such an incredible young man.

I can honestly see how someone could go crazy with grief. It’s something you can never get away from. It sometimes seems like it will never get any better!

It’s like a pool or ocean that’s trying to drown you. You have to fight to stay afloat, especially when you are doing it mostly alone like we are. It’s just such hard work. There’s no break and no end in sight…it goes on and on. It’s exhausting.

I stopped by the cemetery today for a few minutes. I just wanted to tell Jason that our lives aren’t the same without him. So empty. I miss him so much. There is no substitute. I’m just drowning…I’m so sad.

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