From my journal dated November 1, 2002:
I watched a Halloween-themed “Touched by an Angel” today. The episode was about how the devil is real, how he hates us, how he wants to distract us from our purpose in life, and that he wants to destroy us.
The lady in the show was expecting a baby, and the story was sort of about how the devil was trying to distract everyone, using fear and foolishness, while he was trying to destroy the baby. The baby was portrayed as being a special baby to God, that every baby is special, and that the devil was trying to steal the baby’s life because he may have had something big to do for God. Of course, the show had a happy ending with a healthy baby and everybody happy.
Joe and I felt, even from when Jason was just a baby, that he was a special boy and that he was going to be used by God in a big way.
I guess I feel like he just got started. His whole future was ahead of him. He didn’t really even have a chance to find out what he was supposed go do before his life was stolen from him. He was stolen from us. Why didn’t God protect him?? One little thing different, and Jason and Alina would be alive today. Just one small thing different, and everything would be different. I just don’t understand it.
I don’t want to be distracted from what God wants me to do, but His grace and mercy are just going to have to cover for me right now. I’m doing what I can, but I just can’t gloss this over and bounce right along like nothing has happened. I’m just so sad. There are so many things I don’t understand.
It’s not that I think the power of God isn’t real. But I question so much teaching and doctrine, so many little religious cliches right now.
Joe and I prayed for our kids, taught our kids, invested our lives in our kids. We invested in other kids’ lives, opened our home, taught Sunday School, invested in the homeschool community. We didn’t do any of it expecting something back…ever.
I guess I’m having such a hard time reconciling everything in my mind. None of it makes any sense. The investment in so many lives…and now this great aloneness. The investment in our kids in time, energy, prayer…and now Jason’s gone, Eric has gone through so many struggles, and Jenna is struggling big time because of others’ actions (or inactions).
It just doesn’t make any sense. I don’t get it.