Christmas Day

From my journal dated December 25, 2002:

Christmas Day. Our first Christmas without Jason. I can hardly think those words, write those words. Without Jason. I still can’t grasp the concept.

We did the “usual” types of things. I made cinnamon rolls; Joe read the Christmas story; we exchanged presents. But I feel like so much of my heart is dead right now. It died right along with Jason. It died of neglect. It died because I don’t want to feel anything right now; it hurts too much to feel.

I go through the motions, but my enthusiasm is gone. It doesn’t reach my heart. I am so aware that things are not the way they should be. Jason should be here. Our Christmases will never be the same. We have a huge hole in everything we do, in every day and every event for our entire lives. Nothing will ever be the same.

© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney

5 thoughts on “Christmas Day

  1. Holidays are the worst time for missing a loved one. I lost my step-father this year on 4th of July. It was fitting that he left us on Independence Day because he was very patriotic, but it will forever change the holiday for me. Nothing ever prepares you for going on alone without them. When I think of him, the small silly stuff, I smile. That keeps me moving “up the valley” as you put it on my post. God bless you in your journey of healing and hope.

  2. Thank you for visiting my Poems From Psalms and Nature blog–for acknowledging the poem I wrote for my cousin. So kind of you! May God bless and keep you always, and comfort you and everyone as our thoughts and plans turn toward the wonders of Christmas once again…Ellen

  3. Pingback: “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” | Grief: One Woman's Perspective

  4. Pingback: Christmas Hurts My Heart | Grief: One Woman's Perspective

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