From my journal dated December 25, 2002:
Christmas Day. Our first Christmas without Jason. I can hardly think those words, write those words. Without Jason. I still can’t grasp the concept.
We did the “usual” types of things. I made cinnamon rolls; Joe read the Christmas story; we exchanged presents. But I feel like so much of my heart is dead right now. It died right along with Jason. It died of neglect. It died because I don’t want to feel anything right now; it hurts too much to feel.
I go through the motions, but my enthusiasm is gone. It doesn’t reach my heart. I am so aware that things are not the way they should be. Jason should be here. Our Christmases will never be the same. We have a huge hole in everything we do, in every day and every event for our entire lives. Nothing will ever be the same.
© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney