Road Trip 2001

From my journal dated January 2, 2003:

California Road Trip 2011 - Disneyland

This was the first day in a while I’ve been home alone. Joe, Jenna and Eric all had to work today. It’s not as hard as it used to be, but it’s not easy, either.

I cleaned up the kitchen and then started cleaning the bonus room. As I was putting movies away, I ran across the video of Jason and his friends on their road trip to California in September 2001. I decided to sit down and watch it.

Jason - California 2001

It’s a very shaky home video filmed by teenagers, but it was so good to see Jason again like he he was – alive and having so much fun.

It didn’t upset me at first as I was watching it. Jason was having so much fun; it made me smile. But, the more I watched it, I started to feel worse and worse physically. I don’t know if it was the shaky video or some physical grief reaction, but I ended up throwing up. I rarely get sick or throw up. I felt so weak, sweaty, headache-y, nauseated. I don’t know what happened! I felt awful. Ended up going to bed and slept for a while.

Oh, I miss my boy so much! I want him to be alive and having fun. He enjoyed life so much! He made everything fun!

© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney

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One thought on “Road Trip 2001

  1. I have a few videos of my brother with my daughter, but it usually is too hard to play them.

    Thank you for commenting on my blog today. Reading your blog was just what I needed. I think its still hard to show grief 6 years later b/c I don’t want to make others uncomfortable.

    So many friends didn’t know what to say so they didn’t say anything and avoided me. It was definitely a time of pain on top of pain….
    I could laugh though as people started to come around, but would whip around to see my reaction anytime some one said “dead, death, dyeing”. I could laugh knowing my brother would have laughed along with me joking that these people are real morons…did they think I didn’t know my own brother died until they said the word death?

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