From my journal dated January 2, 2003:
This was the first day in a while I’ve been home alone. Joe, Jenna and Eric all had to work today. It’s not as hard as it used to be, but it’s not easy, either.
I cleaned up the kitchen and then started cleaning the bonus room. As I was putting movies away, I ran across the video of Jason and his friends on their road trip to California in September 2001. I decided to sit down and watch it.
It’s a very shaky home video filmed by teenagers, but it was so good to see Jason again like he he was – alive and having so much fun.
It didn’t upset me at first as I was watching it. Jason was having so much fun; it made me smile. But, the more I watched it, I started to feel worse and worse physically. I don’t know if it was the shaky video or some physical grief reaction, but I ended up throwing up. I rarely get sick or throw up. I felt so weak, sweaty, headache-y, nauseated. I don’t know what happened! I felt awful. Ended up going to bed and slept for a while.
Oh, I miss my boy so much! I want him to be alive and having fun. He enjoyed life so much! He made everything fun!
© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney