Ghosts of Holidays Past

I think of these days as “the ghosts of holidays past.” The Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, vacations, events and things we used to do together as a family, various and numerous holidays. They’re the days that tug on my heart, reminding me of times gone by that will never come again. You see, no matter how long it’s been since Jason died, I will always miss those times when we were all together for a holiday or whatever. Those times can never come again, because there’s no way on earth we can all be together now that Jason is gone. Part of our family is always missing.

4th of July celebration

4th of July celebration

Jason loved the 4th of July. Barbeque. Fireworks. Friends. Just being together. We always had so much fun celebrating the birth of our country.

I’ve been sad today, and I’ve been struggling. I can’t ignore it. I can’t deny it. I might as well just acknowledge it. I’m not always sad, but today I am. I’m sad. I miss those times. I miss my boy. I wish he were here to celebrate this day with us. Jason loved to have fun. He always made everything so much fun, so much better.

I miss you, my Mr. Jay.

© 2014 Rebecca R. Carney

12 thoughts on “Ghosts of Holidays Past

  1. I feel like that also. When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about how much I hate holidays now. All my friends do something with their families and I’m not invited. I remember bar eques, beach trips or lake trips, and family. We had lots of fun, laughing and without a care in the world. I try to think of ways I can celebrate, but mainly, I’m just very sad. I miss Donald’s smile, his laughter, his hugs.

  2. It’s amazing how it ebbs and flows – grief. You think you’re moving along alright and then, 4th of July. You’re on my mind.

  3. That’s a beautiful photo of Jason. Such photographs are so confusing, because it’s just not possible to comprehend how someone who looks like he could be in the next room, could be gone.

  4. I first read your words today on a Facebook post of Kathleen Kochers. Your writing resonates deeply with me. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. I am especially so sad for Jason and Alina, whose lives are no more.
    Our daughter, Kara, lost her life, unexpectedly, after a heart procedure almost four years ago. She was 35, and left a young, bereaved husband, a darling 2 1/2 year old son, and other family members, all of whom who loved her beyond words. My husband and I will never recover from the loss, and it almost amuses me…almost… When people ask if we are better. No, we are not, nor will we ever be. Our grief is not as acute, but it is, perhaps, even more painful, because we realize the finality. We will never see Kara again, and our hearts are forever broken.

  5. The holidays are so hard, knowing that Ben will never again be with us on a holiday. As you have written, I have realized that our family will never again be complete and that just breaks my heart….over again. Thank you for your resonating words, Rebecca.

  6. What a wonderful photo. Jason had such a great smile. I hope a few days now beyond the 4th you’re doing well. I easily understand that holidays trigger those moments of great sadness and loss. I am sure that what you share with others is extremely meaningful to those who who feel that same pain and heartache. It’s a big reminder to me to remember to pray for those of you who have those aching hearts, my friend. ox

  7. The 4th of July is so hard for me, too. That was the last time the 4 of us were together as a family– and the next day, July 5th 2010, was the last time I ever saw my brother alive. We had such a nice time that last 4th– we laughed so, so much. I’ll never forget that. I think of you often, Rebecca. Thank you for your blog! 🙂

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