Ten Years Deep

As I read this blog (reposted below), several things the writer said really clicked with me. Although each loss is unique, I believe there are similarities in the journey of parents who have lost a child. One, as mentioned in the post, is that we initially wait for a day when the pain will go away. Pretty soon we realize, as the calendar turns from months to years, that it never goes away. No matter how many days or years pass, we will always feel the deep loss of having our child die.

Another similarity is that, at some point, we come to the realization that this IS our life now. It’s not an easy journey to reach that point, and I believe that it arrives for bereaved parents at different points in the journey. But, at some point, there is a deep realization and acknowledgment that this loss is permanent. That may sound odd to say, but there is a huge denial that sets in when a child dies. No, this can’t be real. My child can’t be gone. This can’t be my life now. How do I continue without my child? How can I live with this pain? We have to figure out how to make our lives “work” and how to make them worthwhile and meaningful while living with a huge hole in our hearts. The pain of losing a child never goes away. We just have to figure out how to weave the loss into the fabric of our lives. It is not an easy or short process, this learning to live without our child. But, our ONLY choice is to figure out how to do it.

Another similarity, I think, is knowing that, in spite of the horrendous pain of losing a child, we will always be grateful for the time we had with our precious child. I miss Jason more than words can ever say. That will never go away. Neither will the pain of losing him. I’m just so thankful he was born into our family. I’m so glad he is our boy, our precious Mr Jay.

This entry was posted in Child Loss, Death of a child and tagged , , , by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

My name is Becky Carney. My husband, Joe, and I have been married for 44 years. We have two living children, Eric (41) and Jenna (36). We lost a baby in utero at 19 weeks in 1987. In 2002, our middle son, Jason (19), and his best friend, Alina (20), were broadsided by a drunk driver who was going at least twice the speed limit. They both died instantly. This blog is written from my perspective as a bereaved parent. I don't claim to know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes. Each situation is different; each person is different. Everyone handles grief differently. But if I can create any degree of understanding of what it's like to be a parent who has lost a child, then I have succeeded in my reason for writing this blog.

3 thoughts on “Ten Years Deep

  1. So much of what you wrote is true, Rebecca. I think what was hard for me is that I also survived and waited for the pain to go away. I will always miss my son, but the extreme anguish eased with the years and I’m not carrying the burden of sadness that I did at the ten year mark. I will never forget him, and never want to. But what I never expected was to find happiness and joy again in life. I pray one day a glimmer of that will return for you – after so many years of struggle, it was such a blessing that I never expected. I’m glad you are sharing your feelings. You write beautifully.

  2. Thanks for the re-blog, and for your thoughts. I have to agree – We will forever be grateful for the time they were in our lives -no matter how short that time may have been.

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