Lost in Thought

I feel like I just need to sit and think about Jason for a bit this weekend. Thursday, March 3rd, will mark the beginning of another year without our precious, bright, sunshine-y boy in our lives. The days and weeks leading up to March 3rd are always a roller coaster of emotions for me. I’ll be going along as usual and then, all of a sudden, realize that I’m sad. It’s been enough years now that I know that, whether I consciously realize it or not, I’m very aware that the anniversary of Jason’s death is marching toward me.

This past fall we went to Oklahoma to pick up what’s left of our “stuff” and had it shipped to North Carolina where we live. We had disposed of most everything we owned when we left Washington, keeping only things such as photographs and memorabilia of our lives. When we left Oklahoma, we were not sure where we were going to go and what we had left ended up going into a storage unit and has remained there for the past six years.

I have recently opened the boxes to briefly remind myself what was in them. Jason’s hats. Jason’s chess set. The police investigation records from the accident (which are tightly taped shut, and I have never looked at and probably never will). Jenna’s baby bonnets. Jenna’s favorite stuffed animal. Eric’s favorite toy as a baby. The guest book from Jason’s memorial service. Photographs. Memories.

It’s all very bittersweet. Photographs of wonderful times long ago. Pictures of a smiling woman that I know is me…or was me…and I’m aware that I am no longer that person in those pictures. People I used to know, people I thought were my friends. Fun times with extended family. Drawings and notes from the kids. Memories that make me realize how much I miss Jason and those times long gone. Memories of a time when things were much more simple and I didn’t have this emptiness and sadness inside of me. Memories that make me smile. Memories that make me cry.

I am so very thankful Jason was born into our family. I feel so privileged to have been his mother. I found this as I was going through some boxes this week, an email Jason wrote to me in October, 2001 that I had printed off. So thoughtful. So sweet. Bittersweet. It makes me smile, and then it makes me cry.

Email from Jason

Oh, Jason, how I miss your kind and loving heart, your beautiful smile, your wonderful hugs. I miss you. I love you. You will never be forgotten.

© 2016 Rebecca R. Carney

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8 thoughts on “Lost in Thought

  1. Reading his message to you gave me chills and I felt a tear well up. I feel sad and relate to that feeling of “marching” toward an anniversary of the heart. Every spring, it is also there for me. And of course, when I see pictures of myself smiling before loss – it’s like seeing someone else. Thank you for writing from your heart, Becky.

  2. That’s a wonderful note from Jason. What a loving son he was. I’m so sorry that he missed out on so much.
    I know exactly what you mean about feeling so disconnected from images of yourself in photographs. We can never go back to being the innocent and happy mothers we used to be. There is such a longing to be able to physically hold our children and have them back with us.

  3. I have a drawer with my son’s personal things.. a wallet, notes, his toothbrush, cell phone (oh how he’d love the new smart phones), cologne.. and more. All 10 years old. I recently smelled the cologne since it smelled like him. Then the drawer closes and I walk away feeling numb but on to the next thing I have to do.

    We can only wait until we see them again.

  4. Beautiful email to his very loved Mom from a wonderful son — moved me to tears. This post touched my heart and I wish I could give you a hug from one grieving Mom to another. Jason will never be forgotten. There will be a candle burning for Jason here on March 3. Xx

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