I’m just going to put this out there. It’s only Wednesday and this has been a horrible week so far. As a matter of fact, the past few weeks have been just awful. Friday is the anniversary of Jason’s death, and that by itself is so much to handle. It hurts so much that Jason is gone. Joe and I still ask each other, “How can he be gone?” Our precious boy.
Add on top of that someone at work that I truly cared for has carelessly hurt me so deeply that I can’t even put into words how I feel, and, even though I have done absolutely nothing wrong and have done nothing to deserve the way I’ve been treated, has made a whole lot of people question my loyalty, integrity and character. He has made me look bad in order to look good, through no fault of my own. I don’t know what to do and I have no way to defend myself. I feel like I am holding together and forging ahead by sheer willpower, but I’m so very weary and so very hurt.
I just keep reminding myself to live my life so that Jason would be proud of me. I want to be proud of who I am and how I have treated others. I am responsible for my own actions and not those of others. As I said in an earlier post, “I want to live my life worthy and upright. I want Jason to be proud of me, to look down from that great cloud of witnesses and say to those around him, “Look at her!! That’s my mom!!” ” In my mind I picture that, when we stand before God in heaven, the story of our lives and how we treated others will be played on the big screen for all to see. Or, as the Bible says, “…There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that not will be made known. What you have spoken in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the housetops. (Luke 12:3)” I want the story of my life to be one that I can be proud of.
Keep me in your prayers this week. I really need it.
© 2017 Rebecca R. Carney