The struggle is real

This deep, dark, hidden lake of grief inside of me

fills up with gathered tears until they no longer be contained

and they flow over the dam and and down my face


I turn up the music on the radio in my car, loud

in an effort to drown out the sadness and regret

that has taken up residence in my soul on this day


I struggle to hide behind a mask of self-preservation, grief hidden

unseen by people who have little understanding and even less tolerance

of she who continues to grieve or continues to hurt beyond unrealistic timetables


The struggle is real and does not end on this side of heaven

for those misunderstood and judged by those who think they know better

by those who want grief to stay hidden, to be more palatable by swallowing some cliche


My heart is heavy today for things that might have been

things that should be, things that will never be

things that I wish with all my heart I could change


I miss you with all my heart today and every day

my precious boy, my sunshine, my hugger, my encourager

Jason David Carney, July 30, 1982 – March 3, 2002


© 2017 Rebecca R. Carney

7 thoughts on “The struggle is real

  1. It truly never ends. . .the loss, the grief. We will not make any new memories. Each day is different, yet the same. My son Eddie will not be coming home. I won’t be seeing his sparkling eyes, Hollywood smile or hear his soft voice. I can’t make him his favorite supper, talk about the latest book he was reading, – or do his laundry. He was happiest and most comfortable here.

    I want everyone to know he was special – yes, special to those of us who loved him, those who knew him. I am so worried that he will be forgotten. Oh, not by family . . .my daughters, his three sisters and I talk about him every day. His nephews listen to us tell stories of him, and have their own special memories. But other people think that after three and 1/2 years, I should be ‘getting on.’

    I will miss him and love him until my last breath.

    Thank you for your wonderful messages. Your words relate feelings of loss that only a parent can feel. God bless and keep our boys.

  2. Beautiful! Can we be facebook friends? I sent a request a while back. I love reading your blog. I’m not a writer but your words ring true for me. My husband’s blog is linked here if you want to read our story.

  3. I truly understand this feeling….no one wants to hear our pain….they just want to see our smile and see that we’re “ok”. I’ve found that people who once were very understanding are growing weary of my pain. Beautiful poem…perfectly explains how I feel as well.

  4. Pingback: Happy birthday, Jason | Grief: One Woman's Perspective

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