I am making baked beans, one of Jason’s favorites, for dinner tonight on this summer Saturday. It took me a long, long time even to be able to cook, bake or buy things that Jason really loved. Orange rolls for breakfast. Cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning. The Christmas before Jason died, he had asked me to teach him how to make cinnamon rolls. It was something he wanted us to do together. He loved baking.

He loved to bake chocolate chip cookies. Sometimes when friends would come over, they would bake cookies together. I always tried to keep everything on hand that he would need. I can still picture him in the kitchen, mixing up cookies, pouring chocolate chips into the dough.

Weekends were so full of doing things with the kids. I’d mix up some pancakes on Saturday morning or bake some orange rolls. Weekends were busy, full. Now they seem so empty.

Missing my boy this weekend…and every day…


© 2017 Rebecca R. Carney



This entry was posted in Child Loss, Death of a child, Grief and tagged , , , , by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

My name is Becky Carney. My husband, Joe, and I have been married for 45 years. We have two living children, Eric (42) and Jenna (37). We lost a baby in utero at 19 weeks in 1987. In 2002, our middle son, Jason (19), and his best friend, Alina (20), were broadsided by a drunk driver who was going at least twice the speed limit. They both died instantly. This blog is written from my perspective as a bereaved parent. I don't claim to know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes. Each situation is different; each person is different. Everyone handles grief differently. But if I can create any degree of understanding of what it's like to be a parent who has lost a child, then I have succeeded in my reason for writing this blog.

5 thoughts on “Weekends

  1. I wish your weekends held more for you, Becky. I can only imagine the longing and the image of Jason baking cookies made me teary.
    I pray that one day you will find peace and perhaps even some joy again on the weekends. Filling the emptiness is hard, but is is possible. Someday. . .

  2. We are all going on a family vacation the end of August. We will share a huge house on the beach. There will be 14 of us altogether.

    When I opened the page to view pictures of the house it was very, very hard. That’s because the last time we had a family vacation, it was at a similar house – 4 months before Christopher died.

    Triggers. 12 years later and they still happen. Some are unexpected. Some are not.

    I know others miss our boys, too, but there is something very specific to mothers that only other mothers understand.

    I never tire of your writing because I will pause and say, “She knows how it feels”. It’s a moment of comfort. : )


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