No longer the same


I look at this picture of me with my precious boy, and I see a woman so happy she can barely contain her joy. Happy, open. I know that it’s me, but it’s the “before” me. The “after” me no longer looks like this. I smile, I laugh, but not like I used to. And I no longer look like this. I don’t even know who she is any more, that “before” person. The journey I have been on shows on my face and in my eyes. I no longer beam when I smile. My eyes reflect a sadness that runs deep and never goes away.

I miss you, my precious boy, today and every day.

© 2019 Rebecca R. Carney

This entry was posted in Death of a child and tagged , by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

My name is Becky Carney. My husband, Joe, and I have been married for 44 years. We have two living children, Eric (41) and Jenna (36). We lost a baby in utero at 19 weeks in 1987. In 2002, our middle son, Jason (19), and his best friend, Alina (20), were broadsided by a drunk driver who was going at least twice the speed limit. They both died instantly. This blog is written from my perspective as a bereaved parent. I don't claim to know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes. Each situation is different; each person is different. Everyone handles grief differently. But if I can create any degree of understanding of what it's like to be a parent who has lost a child, then I have succeeded in my reason for writing this blog.

4 thoughts on “No longer the same

  1. Wow – I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same. The love, pride, joy that I can see in old photos of my son and me – no longer is there. I have three daughters and seven grandchildren and I love them with all my heart! But my precious son, my only boy is not here . . . and the emptiness in that one part of my heart that was filled with his presence is so painful – so heartbreaking that nothing will ever make me feel as happy as I used to be. I am with you in prayer and grief. Thank you for your thoughtful words. God bless you always.

  2. I will never be the ‘exact same me’ ever again, either – because there was a portion of him that brought out that facet of me – however, while I’ll never be the ‘same’ before me I was – I do remember, clearly – those moments when the new me and old me showed up – the day I could listen to his favorite song AND sing along with it – without choking into sobs and wishing I hadn’t even tried – – the day I was watching some silly sitcom, that he loved or would’ve loved – and it makes me chuckle or laugh, outloud, with out even trying -instead of making me angry or rolling my eyes over how silly it is – the moments come, here and there – where the ‘real you’ shows up – but, is different – a little wiser, a little older, a little sadder, a little more accepting, whatever it looks like – no – none of us will ever ‘be the same’ but there is, deep within us, all the things that are ‘us’ – and it will find away to show up again – when once more we feel like it, or just can’t help ourselves – or meets someone else that catches a glimmer of us that loved one saw and loved – and in those moments? To me? My son is right back with me – in my heart – but that’s just me – I get it, I don’t know where each journey takes a person, but I really feel like we are never fully lost – – we just hide out until it’s not so ‘dangerous’ or ‘painful’ to show up, once more – :). Hugs and Loves – and kudos for your willingness to share your journey and give other’s the space to feel safe walking theirs – ❤

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