I dreamed about Jason last night

I rarely dream at all. If I do dream, I usually don’t remember them.

I haven’t dreamt much about Jason since he died. When I do, they are very vivid. I dream that it’s all a huge mistake that Jason died, that he is alive. I dream that I am looking for him, that he must be somewhere and I need to find him.

Last night I dreamed that the place we lived had a Mount Vesuvius-type volcanic eruption. Jason and the girl he loved had been somewhere together when the blast happened. I couldn’t get to them to protect them and, when the blast was over, I frantically searched and searched and searched for them. I ran through the ash-covered streets checking each person who had succumbed to the the volcanic eruption to see if it was Jason and his love. The ash was so deep that it made it difficult to tell what exactly the shapes were, whether they were human or an inanimate object. I looked in every possible hiding place I could find to see if they had taken shelter in one of them. I desperately wanted to find them alive and for them to be okay.

I couldn’t find them anywhere and kept getting more panicky by the minute.

And then I woke up. I laid in bed and thought about how much I miss Jason, how incredibly different our lives would have been in SO many ways had he lived.

No matter how long it’s been, I think our hearts always long for our children to be alive and with us. We desperately want them to come home and to be able to hug them tight. We want them to be safe. Sometimes the longing comes out in our dreams.

Missing you, my boy, today and always.

Love,

Mom

© 2021 Rebecca R. Carney

This entry was posted in Bereaved Parent, Grief and tagged , , by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective. Bookmark the permalink.

About Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

My name is Becky Carney. My husband, Joe, and I have been married for 44 years. We have two living children, Eric (41) and Jenna (36). We lost a baby in utero at 19 weeks in 1987. In 2002, our middle son, Jason (19), and his best friend, Alina (20), were broadsided by a drunk driver who was going at least twice the speed limit. They both died instantly. This blog is written from my perspective as a bereaved parent. I don't claim to know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes. Each situation is different; each person is different. Everyone handles grief differently. But if I can create any degree of understanding of what it's like to be a parent who has lost a child, then I have succeeded in my reason for writing this blog.

1 thought on “I dreamed about Jason last night

  1. Hugs and ❤ Becca. I dream too, of those who aren't here for me to interact with anymore – missing completely, or just further down the country lane, or the meadow and I get near enough to hug, or touch, and they smile and move further away. Right or Wrong, I just decided, it's me working through my loss while I'm asleep – I do, though, even though I've decided to make up that story to keep my own sanity, I do often wake up and curse the horrible mood I woke up in that is not conducive to living through today – I can only, for myself, believe I'm overall, a glutton for punishment and that I grow and heal through such things – for myself? That is the best 'story' I've fashioned for myself just yet, to make it bearable, not knowing if it's really the best story for me, or not – overall, still, after all these years. I know not, but somedays? Whatever Story works for me to believe, somewhere, somehow, I'm healing during sleep enough to get up and face the day, is 'good enough' ❤ ❤ ❤

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