Jason David Carney
July 29, 1982 – March 3, 2002
Recently, a friend who was approaching the fifth anniversary of his son’s death asked me if it ever got any better. I wish that I could have told him that it did. I told him that grief changes over time.
Grief ebbs and flows, but never goes away. Some days it’s a ways below the surface and doesn’t seem to show; some days it’s a gaping open pit I struggle not to fall into.
As I lay in bed last night, thinking about the significance of this day and how many years we have lived without our precious, wonderful Jason, it felt like my heart was breaking into so many pieces that it was turning into a pile of fine sand. Today I feel like I am moving in slow motion, my mind foggy as I struggle to think of what I need to do next.
We recently set up a small home gym in the garage. As we rearranged our storage boxes to make some room, I took the opportunity to organize the mementos in those boxes so that I can begin putting together some scrapbooks of my growing up years and those of the kids. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do. School projects, birthday cards, notes passed to a friend in class, pieces of paper with fingerpaint handprints of a small boy, drawings of a toddler with love notes to mom and dad, stories written by Jason about how he had met one of his best friends, poems about a dear friend and a girl he loved. Joe, who was helping me, kept saying from time to time, “It isn’t fair.” Again today, he said, “It isn’t fair.” No, it’s not fair. Such a wonderful young man, our precious boy, gone in an instant. For Jason, no college graduations, no weddings, no kids, no jobs, no more special events or holidays. For all of us, the memories and mementoes we have of Jason are all we will ever have. They all stopped March 3, 2002.
I wish I had some great insight, some great encouragement after walking this path for so many years, but I really don’t. I wish I could say that time heals all and that it gets better, but I can’t. The friend I mentioned earlier told me that I am an encouragement, but I’m not sure how I do that. I just try to live my life in such a way that would make Jason proud. As in the beginning, one day at a time. I look forward to the day I will see him again.
We love you and miss you, Jason. Every single day.
© 2023 Rebecca R. Carney
I get so much from your blog. I too am a grieving parent. I lost my daughter 3 years ago Feb 3. She passed away Feb 3 2020 at age 36. She died of breast cancer and left her two small children and her husband. She was our only child.
I am still seeing a grief counsellor. Your words resonate with me so much. Some people grieve silently but I like to talk about my daughter. Talking about her keeps her memory alive. I talk about her to her children as well. She once told us she didn’t want to be forgotten…as if.
I love your blog and the way you honour your son. It’s the same way I feel about my daughter. Don’t give up writing your blog. I read it and get great comfort from it. I send you peace, and to both of us…we will see them again. Love never dies! Take care of yourself!
Thank you, Deborah, for your encouragement. Yes, we are the memory keepers and we will see them again. I’m so sorry you are walking this difficult path. Hugs to you!
Thinking of you Becky & sending my love 😘😘💕