I miss my life

From my journal dated October 7, 2002:

Is this pain every going to end? Will our house have life in it ever again?

I just don’t know if I can stand it any more. Nothing seems to be going right or getting any better. I’m just so sad today. I miss my boy so much. It’s just not right that he’s gone.

Today has been a rough day. I’m just on the verge of tears.

Sometimes it feels like my heart is in a vice, and it’s just squeezing nothing but pain out of it. Literal, physical pain.

I miss my life. I feel like I took it for granted, and now it’s gone…never to return. That’s the way I felt after the tree fell on the house in Bellevue, that I had blown it by not fully appreciating what I had at the time. Maybe that’s being too hard on myself…but now I look back and see the wasted time, the needless frustration, the focus on things that don’t even matter now.

How I wish I could go back. I’d give anything to have my Jason back!!

It’s just not fair

From my journal dated July17, 2002:

I went for a long walk with Suzanne* yesterday. She said she had wanted to get together, but decided to wait a while since it looked like we had so many people here for us right after Jason died. Maybe a lot of people thought the same thing…and yet we were almost all alone.

I’m trying to have more grace for those who are calling and are at least trying to do something now. God, give me grace!! Help me! It’s such an effort for me to “chat” and trust them that they really care. Some of them, like Suzanne, I can tell are being real about it. Some, I think, just couldn’t do anything. There are two sides to every coin. I know I only see ours. Maybe the flip side would surprise me. Maybe my side would really surprise a lot of people!

I did have a good time walking with Suzanne. She wants to walk regularly, she said, get back in shape…although she’s certainly in better shape than I am! I’m so out of shape…plus I just don’t feel very good. No energy, sore throat, my lungs hurt, pain in my chest.

We talked a bit about Jason and the accident. Suzanne thinks that Jason had done what he was supposed to do here on earth and had done it well, so God took him home. She said she finds comfort in that. She asked me if I thought the aid unit got there fast enough and if they got them to a hospital to try to save them.

I can’t think about Jason being hit like that. He physically took the whole brunt of a car going twice the speed limit. It hit squarely on the driver side door. My precious boy. It’s just not far.

I don’t know the answers to any of the “why’s.” All I have is questions…and pain…and sadness. There’s not much else to me right now.

Seeing through a dark glass

From my journal dated May 13, 2002:

I’m so tired of being alone. I don’t have any friends. How can I have no friends? My family is so far away. The emptiness of Jason being gone seeps so deep inside me I don’t know where it begins or ends.

Jenna wants to work more…and that’s okay. It leaves me alone more, but that’s not her responsibility. She needs to be busy and have a life. She will move on into her own life.

My life has been so intertwined with my kids. I was looking forward to Jenna launching into her own life. And now I dread it. I was looking forward to Jason’s graduation, marriage, kids. And now I feel so robbed. The future looks so bleak for me. I just can’t see past all this pain to a future of anything else besides emptiness, loneliness and pain.

I just don’t know what to do with myself any more. No one’s here to help me! I feel like this sorrow is going to swallow me – drown me – and there’s no one to throw me a line. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to help me stay afloat. The hours are so long and nothing interests me – movies, TV, homework, cooking. Nothing seems to be of any value.

I know Jason is with God. He’s standing before God and praising Him. I want to please God, and I know Jason is cheering us on. The Bible talks about “a great cloud of witnesses” cheering us on…and I know Jason is right up at the front cheering the loudest. My pride and joy – oh, how my heart breaks not to have him here. He sees a clear picture now, but mine is so dark.

I’m so tired…and tired of being alone…and tired of being so sad it’s all I can do to keep from crying. My mouth is raw where I keep biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from crying all the time…I don’t want to make people even more uncomfortable or no one will ever want to be around me. No one has been here to hold me, to help me. God, where are you? Where is the good in all this? Where are your people?  Are they forgetting Jason already? How can all these people not care? How can all these people not be here for us?

I don’t understand. I just can’t see. It’s just such a long, lonely walk.

Some good days, some bad days

From my journal dated May 2, 2002:

I just hate my life right now. I hate how I am…I’m so sad.

No one wants to be around me – not even Jenna or Eric. I don’t blame them. I feel like this ugly, sad lump. Who would want to be around that? I’m so lonely, but I don’t think being around people would help. I don’t know of anything that’s going to help. I don’t even feel like I can sit up straight sometimes. I don’t really tell people how I’m doing. They don’t want to hear it, so I just make some inane comment like, “Some good days, some bad days.”

Sometimes I’m just so full of pain I don’t know how to bear it. Sometimes I just want to take a whole bottle of pills or something just so the pain will stop. I know that doesn’t make any sense – stupid thing to do. I would never do that to my family. I just feel so alone, so sad.

There are things I could/should do around here, but nothing holds any interest for me. I feel like I’m just putting in hours until I can take a sleeping pill and zonk out again…so I don’t have to feel anything any more.

I gave birth to all three of them – Eric, Jason and Jenna. They are all so much a part of me, so deeply in my heart. Unless you’re a mother, you don’t realize that you NEVER stop hoping for or hurting for or loving your kids. My life has been invested in them. So many conscious decisions based on them! And now what do I do?