Just walk beside me and be my friend

From my journal dated November 8, 2002:

I think I need to find someone to be my friend. Not someone who wants to “rescue” me, but someone who cares about me, cares about who I am now; someone who is willing to listen to me, to do things with me, to call me. I don’t need someone to talk at me or quote Scriptures or religious platitudes at me. I don’t need someone to give me books, hoping I’ll “get” whatever they think I need to know from them. Just walking beside me would be nice. It would really help.

I know it’s a fine line, and I’m sure it’s hard for other people to figure out how to walk it. But I just don’t feel like I have an honest-to-goodness support system right now. I haven’t really had one since the beginning.

I’ve been walking with Mary Sutton on a fairly regular basis, but I know that it takes time to establish an ongoing friendship. I’m looking forward to getting to know her better, though.

Trust has to be earned

From my journal dated July 1, 2002:

M.V.* came by today. Jenna asked me later if I though she was “sent.” I’d have to say yes. She said she wanted to be my friend.

Why now? Why didn’t she respond to all the overtures of friendship last fall when I was going to the Ladies Bible Study? I asked her to lunch, to coffee, to meet me for Ladies Night Out. She had no interest whatsoever – too busy, no time whatsoever to even try to be my friend. Why should I believe her now? Why would she “see” me now…want to be my friend now…when she didn’t before?

I feel like she’s trying to swoop down to “rescue me” – telling me it’s okay to cry, that I’m okay. It sort of feels like someone put her up to it. She said she’d be disappointed if I weren’t till struggling. She told about how she’d miscarried a baby and was relating that experience in a small way to our losing Jason.

I’m so guarded. I feel like I have to protect my wounded heart from…everything. It hurts too much to hope…to believe…that someone will follow through…and then they don’t. I don’t really even know this gal. My only experience in the past with her has been one of, at best, no time or room in her life for a new friend…at worst, outright rejection of my overtures of friendship. If she really wants to be my friend, she’ll try again. I have to be able to trust her…anyone…with my heart….and that’s just hard to do right now. It’s not just automatic. Trust has to be earned.