I feel like I get my hand slapped

From my journal dated August 12, 2002:

What I wouldn’t give for some measure of support in this great aloneness! It’s just so awful to be alone hours on end, day after day. It’s not good for me, for us!! I wish so much we at least had some family here. I keep trying to figure out how to break out of this isolation!

Will this pain ever end? Will it ever get any easier to bear? Will I ever have any friends again? Will I every trust anyone with my heart again? I just don’t know what to do!! No one wants to be around me. No one asks us to do anything!

I called Rhonda* last night to ask her about a restaurant she particularly enjoyed. After we talked a little while, I said something about getting together for coffee sometime soon. Wow!! Rhonda* kicked into a major excuse mode – so busy at work, kids were crabbing at her that she was never home, maybe it might work out sometime in a few weeks…on and on went the excuses. She started asking if so-and-so were calling, stopping by. Someone else…

It’s always someone else’s responsibility, it seems, to “be here” for us. I just don’t get it. How can we be left so alone?

What I wouldn’t give for some measure of kindness, thoughtfulness, support!! I know I sound so selfish, so self-centered. But when you’re drowning, anyone throwing any type of lifeline would be a great help.

It seems like people want to make sure we’re “okay.” “You look good.” “I don’t know how you do it.” “Is so-and-so calling?” But then it’s..”Good-bye. See you later.” “God bless.” “Gotta run…busy, busy.”

All the “experts” say for a bereaved parent to reach out. But I feel like I keep getting my hand slapped when I do…or no one bothers to reach back. I can’t keep on doing it…it just hurts to much to try.

I was thinking about Moses in the Old Testament when the Israelites fought a battle against Amalek (Ex. 17). Joshua fought the battle as Moses stood on a mountain with the “rod of God” in his hands raised to heaven. As long as he had his arms lifted, the children of Israel won the battle. When his hands got tired and he dropped them, the Israelites started losing the battle. Finally, two people came along side of him, holding his hands up until the battle was won.

I guess that just makes sense to me. No one should be alone without others caring enough to support them in order to win a battle!

It would just be nice to know people cared enough about us and how Jason’s death is affecting us to do something. To walk with us. Not just a one-time shot now and then. Not a phone call once every month or two to see how things are going. Not a visit where they keep looking at their watch like they can’t wait to leave. “Whew! Got through that! Did my duty!” I feel like I have no respect for the Christian community right now. I don’t want to feel this way!

The invisible “someone else”

From my journal dated July 10, 2002:

While we were gone today, a gal I don’t know very well from the homeschool group delivered a plant that’s supposed to attract butterflies and planted it in the front yard. It was very thoughtful. When I called to thank her, she asked about Jenna’s friends surrounding her and supporting her. She seemed genuinely shocked when I told here there was none.

People have this idea about others who “rally around” us…when, in fact, it’s that non-existent, invisible, mythical “someone else.” Someone else’s responsibility….those elusive friends who are such a great support. “Someone” must be a figment of people’s hopeful and idealistic minds….because they are certainly not here. I think it must be comforting for others to picture that we are surrounded by support and encouragement. It just doesn’t happen to be that way in reality.

Oh, dear. I can tell it still frustrates me…and I have to fight to not let it make me upset or bitter. I will keep on trying…I will not let this make me bitter.