I know they’re just “things”

From my journal dated January 21, 2003:

Calculus homework awaits

I need a graphing calculator for my math class. We had bought a new one for Jason not too long before the accident; it’s still sitting beside his calculus or physics homework on his desk in his room. I’ve debated and debated what to do. It doesn’t seem practical to go out and buy another expensive calculator when there’s a perfectly good one just sitting in the other room.

It’s just so hard to think about actually going through Jason’s things or using something that was his. It just seems so wrong. I guess it still seems like he should be back soon, and that I would be invading his privacy to just take something that belonged to him. I know it’s just earthly “stuff” from an eternal point of view, and he certainly doesn’t need it any more; but it’s so hard to reconcile. It’s another step to admitting he’s really gone.

Working on homework

It’s been hard just to take math this quarter. Math is so closely related to Jason in my mind. He loved math – since he was a little kid all the way through college. He topped out of the math classes at the community college. He tutored other students in math.

I know it may seem silly. It’s just a calculator. But I remember so vividly the day we got it. So clearly, I picture Jason sitting at his desk, working on homework and using that calculator.

So many memories are tied into all this “stuff.” Things – like this calculator – trigger memories and such intense emotions. They’re just things, but they were Jason’s things.

© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney

Don’t know how I’m doing anything, but I am

From my journal dated January 13, 2003:

Another day gone…the days all seem to run together. I just endure them all. I do stuff – whatever I need to do for the day – but it just seems of so little value.

My heart really isn’t into school this quarter. I’m not putting a fraction of the work I should into it. I haven’t done any of the math homework I need to get done for tomorrow, read hardly any of the English or Econ books. Ugh! Gotta get with the program if I’m going to do this [school] and do it well.

Yesterday I got a Dean’s List notification for last quarter. It just amazes me that I can be so broken – so crushed – and still maintain that GPA. Been on the Dean’s List every quarter. I don’t know how I’m doing it, but I am. I don’t know how I’m doing anything, but I am.

© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney