I Can’t Make Anything Change

From my journal dated December 14, 2002:

My kids have brought me so much joy – and I wouldn’t have traded that for anything! I love them so much! I want good for them! The flip side of that is now I’m in so much pain. This huge pain of losing Jason; the pain of seeing my precious girl suffering the loss of her brother and everything else that has broadsided her this year; the agony of watching Eric struggle so. We’re all struggling so much! I feel powerless to change anything. I can’t MAKE anything change!!

© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney


From my journal dated July 8, 2002:

Have been going through yearbooks and photo albums lately. It seems like all of those good times are long gone. Jenna’s 18th birthday is coming up; Jason’s birthday two weeks after hers. I know she misses him so much. They’ve been best friends their whole lives…always there for each other.

I don’t know what to do to help my precious girl. Maybe it’s not up to me to “rescue” her. I just hate to see her hurting…and being hurt by other people…left so alone, just like Joe and I are. It’s not fair! I’d take all her pain if I could.


From my journal dated June 13, 2002:

Jenna and Jason

Jenna and I were talking yesterday about who she could invite to go to the beach with her today. It’s supposed to a beautiful, warm day. It dawned on me how many times, in situations like that, it really didn’t matter who else was available. Jason and Jenna would take off and do things together. They didn’t need anyone else. Sometimes they would ask other people to come along. Sometimes it was just the two of them. Whenever they were together, it was enough. They always had each other, no matter who else was around. They could depend on each other.

Jenna and Jason

They planned so many things over the years – parties here, spur-of-the-moment meeting for movies, Super Bowl parties, going to the beach, hanging out here, going to the park. One Sunday afternoon on the way home from church, they decided to have a party at our house…and just like that – spur-of-the-moment – they had at least 25-30 people at here.

What a huge hole he’s left in her life…in all our lives.