Happy birthday, my precious boy

Jason would have been 38 years old today. My precious, beautiful, sunshine-y boy.

Words and phrases around the outside edge are from remembrances at Jason’s memorial

There are days when it all comes crashing down. This is one of those days.

Sculpture “Melancholy” by Albert György, on display in Geneva, Switzerland

“The weight of grief” by artist Celeste Roberge

Perhaps it’s the unrest and incivility so prevalent in the United States these days. We could use a kind, loving, thoughtful beautiful soul like Jason in the world. He made it a more kind and beautiful place.

Perhaps it’s knowing that he died when he was 19 – half of what would have been his lifetime had he lived (19 + 19 = 38).

Perhaps it’s because I have tried so hard to live a life that would have made him proud of me, tried to find a life or purpose and meaning, tried to find a place to belong in this world – and I feel I have made not made much inroads in all of that.

Perhaps it’s just that I miss him so much.

My precious boy. Happy birthday. I miss you with all my heart.

~Becky

© 2020 Rebecca R. Carney

Wishes…

I look at the pictures of Jason on my Nixplay digital photo as they rotate in the frame that sits right by my desk at work. Oh, how I wish I could go back in time to hug that precious little boy, tickle that cute little guy under his chin and hear his infectious laugh, play a card or board game with my lover of all games, bake chocolate chip cookies with my beautiful boy, sit and watch a movie, just BE together doing anything.

I love looking at the pictures, but some days the pain of his absence is almost too much to bear. Photographs and memories will never take the place of actually spending time with my precious boy.

I love you, my precious boy. I miss you with all my heart.

~Becky

© 2020 Rebecca R. Carney

I’ll Be Home for Christmas

My husband and I are going back to Seattle for Christmas this year. It’s been three years since we’ve been there. Although we no longer actually have a physical home there, Seattle will always feel like home to me. It’s never an easy thing to do, this going back to the “home” that used to be, the one that remained after Jason died.

I know that there will be times when we will be in places that are poignantly familiar. I know that, at times, there may be triggers. We will go to visit Jason’s grave. I know that we will miss Jason like crazy.

As I cleaned closets today, one of the songs that came on my iTunes was a song sung by Jimmy Durante – “I’ll be Seeing You.” It brought tears to my eyes.

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small cafe
The park across the way
The children’s carousel
The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summers day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll seeing you.

Songwriters: Irving Kahal / Sammy Fain

I’ll Be Seeing You lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Here’s to you, my precious boy. I know that everywhere I look, I’ll be seeing you and missing you. Life is not the same without you.

~Mom

© 2018 Rebecca R. Carney

March 3

My precious boy. Jason David Carney. Life is not the same without you.

7-29-82 – 3-3-02

https://www.facebook.com/SilentGriefSupport/

Jason always loved his little sister

Such a card!

Jason turns 18

Joe polishing Jason’s shoes before a formal

Happy birthday, Alina

Playing bubbles in the yard

Look at that bright smile

Such style!

Studying hard

Inquisitive

Jason and Alina, best friends

Jason’s senior picture, taken by Jenna, by the Snohomish River

Jason – Downtown Snohomish

Jason and Jenna – August 2001

 

Oh, my boy, how I miss you.

~Mom

© 2018 Rebecca R. Carney

Missing You

The way I feel

 

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,

No-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smile,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,

I want to tell you something,
So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

~Author Unknown

 

I miss you, Jason, now and forever. I love you beyond words and beyond earthly bounds.

~Mom

© 2017 Rebecca R. Carney

 

 

Oh, my boy, I miss you so….I’d walk 1000 miles if I could just see you again

JASON DAVID CARNEY – 7/29/82 – 3/3/02

I truly would walk a thousand miles if I could just see you again…

A THOUSAND MILES

Making my way downtown, walking fast
Faces pass and I’m home bound
Staring blankly ahead, just making my way
Making my way down through the crowd…

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
Tonight

It’s always times like these when I think of you
And I wonder if you ever think of me…
‘Cause Everything’s so wrong and I don’t belong
Living in your precious memories…

‘Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by oh
‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you…
Tonight

And I… , I…
Don’t want to let you know
I… , I…
Drown in your memory
I… , I…
Don’t want to let this go
I, I don’t…

Making my way downtown, walking fast
Faces passed and I’m home bound
Staring blankly ahead, just making my way
Making my way down through the crowd…

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass us by
‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
If I could just hold you
Tonight

Writer(s): Vanessa Carlton
Copyright: Songs Of Universal Inc., Rosasharn Music