It’s a start

From my journal dated June 25, 2002:

This is the first day I’ve been home by myself that I don’t feel like I’m going to fall apart. At least it feels like it’s a start, a step forward. Jenna, Joe and Eric are all at work all day. It was hard to come home after school, though, knowing that I’d be alone for a long time.

I really analyzed what I should do – go home, find some place to go, find something to do. Any way you cut it, I’m by myself. There was no reason to come home, but I didn’t know where else to go.

I am beginning to feel the need to work on the house and get it back in shape. Maybe it’s the sun being out on such a beautiful day, but I feel like I need to work on it. I find, though,  that it doesn’t take much for me to lose my motivation or focus. I’m going to try, though. It doesn’t feel like there’s any reason to fix or plan meals. We’re sort of fractured in our schedules right now.

So much of my purpose and focus has been my family, my kids. I’m really at a loss as to who I am and what I’m supposed to do now. I  know I would have felt this way eventually sooner or later with the kids growing up, graduating, moving on into their own lives. But it’s agonizingly, painfully, abruptly evident now.

Something like this shakes you to the very core of everything you are, the way you see yourself, what you thought you knew. Every familiar sign post is gone.

7:30 p.m.

Well, I deteriorated as the day went on. It’s not good for me to be by myself for that long. I ended up going to Verizon and to Costco. How sad to try to drum up something to do just to not sit at home…getting sadder and sadder. I was glad when I got home that Eric was here so I could make him dinner.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m only taking one five-credit class this quarter. I don’t think I can do or handle any more this summer. But what else am I supposed to do? I don’t want to do just anything for the sake of doing something! Seems like that could really backfire and stress me out. I just don’t know.

I’ve got things I need to do around here…but my motivation wanes before I even get started.