The invisible “someone else”

From my journal dated July 10, 2002:

While we were gone today, a gal I don’t know very well from the homeschool group delivered a plant that’s supposed to attract butterflies and planted it in the front yard. It was very thoughtful. When I called to thank her, she asked about Jenna’s friends surrounding her and supporting her. She seemed genuinely shocked when I told here there was none.

People have this idea about others who “rally around” us…when, in fact, it’s that non-existent, invisible, mythical “someone else.” Someone else’s responsibility….those elusive friends who are such a great support. “Someone” must be a figment of people’s hopeful and idealistic minds….because they are certainly not here. I think it must be comforting for others to picture that we are surrounded by support and encouragement. It just doesn’t happen to be that way in reality.

Oh, dear. I can tell it still frustrates me…and I have to fight to not let it make me upset or bitter. I will keep on trying…I will not let this make me bitter.

Wake me when the nightmare’s over

From my journal dated June 17, 2002:

Last night I dreamed I was watching a VHS movie on one television and a DVD movie on another television at the same time. They were side by side. I hated the movies that were on, and I kept trying to stop both the VCR and DVD players. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get them to stop. I kept trying and trying, and I was getting so frustrated because nothing I did worked.

When I woke up, my first conscious thought was what a weird, funny dream…and I chuckled at it. But then reality sinks back in, and I realized it was a reflection of this reality I’m stuck with…that Jason is gone and I can’t change it. Seems to me like my frustration with not being able to change things is seeping into my dreams.