Some days are better than others

From my journal dated October 1, 2002:

Cleaned house today – kitchen, bathrooms, vacuumed. Trying so hard to get back in the swing of things…so many things I need to do. It makes me sad to clean the house, because it’s what I had asked Jason and Jenna to do the Saturday before the accident. It seemed so important at the time. So, here I am today washing the bathroom floor, crying so hard I can hardly see what I am doing.

After I vacuumed the floors, I vacuumed Jason’s top hat, wrapped it in a plastic bag to protect it, and put it  in his room. The box of photos, chess sets, memorabilia, and Jason’s top hat and gloves have been sitting in the bonus room since the memorial service. This is the first day I’ve felt like I could deal with putting them away.

I fell apart when I walked into Jason’s room. I haven’t been in there for a long time. Seven months later…and I’m still wanting and waiting for Jason to come home. I miss him so much.

Yesterday we went to see Sweet Home Alabama with the McFarlane’s. Cute movie. It was so weird, though, after the movie. We were getting ready to head over to Applebee’s for dessert, and I had an overwhelming feeling that Jason was on his way to meet us there…like he’d been somewhere else doing something with a friend, but was meeting us to celebrate my birthday. It was just a momentary feeling, but it seemed so real! I wish it had been real!

My sister called to wish me a happy birthday. I feel sometimes like I just go through the motions of conversation, but it doesn’t quite reach my heart. I’m like a robot talking, doing things. Maybe I just don’t want to feel anything.

I was so antsy and frustrated today…had a hard time sitting still and concentrating in school and while working on homework. I can’t seem to get a focus on my story for my journalism class. My brain seems like it’s moving through molasses!

The Herald [newspaper] called about doing another story on Jason and Alina. I just don’t really see a point in it. I feel like they’re using Jason and Alina to sell stories – some story on victims not getting fair justice. It just doesn’t feel right. Why now?

The reporter talked about no arrests being made yet, and how other victims felt that justice was not being done for them. I just don’t see where it brings honor to Jason and Alina to have their names associated with a gripe fest. I told her we weren’t interested in doing an article right now. She wasn’t very happy with me.

They’re probably used to people wanting their 15 minutes of fame…but this is not fame I want. It brings pain to too many people with little purpose. Jenna says it’s fame she doesn’t want either. She doesn’t want to be in the spotlight. I told her that I think we probably can’t help but be in the spotlight during the trial, but there’s no good reason now.

I took some bulbs and a small shovel with me today when I left for school. I stopped by the crash site on my way home. I cleaned up the trash, and then I dug a few holes and planted the bulbs – a big variety of bright daffodils for Jason, my Mr. Sunshine, and white and purple crocuses for Alina. Some will come up in early spring and some will come up in late spring, very near the one year mark of the accident. I want them to symbolize life out of death with a bright array of color along the side of the road for everyone to see as they drive by.

Today was a tough day for me.

“His smile danced”

From my journal dated September 22, 2002:

I stopped by the cemetery this today on my way home. Someone had left yellow starburst mums and a note that said, “His smile danced.”

It’s so easy to feel like everyone has forgotten Jason. Whoever left it…it was nice to see that someone still misses him and thinks of him.