So quiet it hurts my ears

From my journal dated June 18, 2002:

The daily walking the walk without Jason is just so tough. I know people think both we and the Christiansons were so strong and amazing at the memorial services. We were just numb at first, especially at the services. It’s the step-by-step without Jason, without him stepping with us, that about kills me.

I also think people think that Joe, Jenna and I and the Christiansons can support and encourage each other since we’re all “in the same boat.” We can’t do that. We absolutely can’t “be there” for each other. We can’t comfort the Christiansons. We can’t even comfort each other. It’s too much. Each of us has our own grief that overwhelms us too much. Too much grief.

All these other kids graduating, going on to colleges, careers, relationships, marriages, families. I’m happy for them, but it’s something Jason will never have. I’ll never see any of those things for him. It just seems like they are all moving on…and forgetting him. Their lives go on…and I’m glad they do!! But, as they get farther and farther away from the loss, they get farther and farther away from the memory of Jason, too. We’ll feel the loss, the emptiness, the pain forever.

I don’t know how many of these kids I’ll ever see again. I feel like we tried to invest in their lives, too. It seems like for so long kids have flowed through this house…movies, making cookies, playing games, Super Bowl or 4th of July parties, jumping on the trampoline, playing computer games or ping pong. We hosted parties, took pictures at the formals and plays, fixed food and fed anyone who was here at mealtime. We took kids out to eat with us or included them in whatever we were doing. I loved it!!

Now the house is so quiet. It just screams with quietness and emptiness and loneliness. It’s so quiet it hurts my ears!! I had no idea quiet could hurt my ears this way.

I don’t want to do this. I hate it. I’m just devastated. And so alone. Same old song practically from the beginning. Maybe I’m just having too much of a pity party…feeling too sorry for myself. I just really, honestly don’t know what to do sometimes. I don’t know how to reach out to people…or even how  to carry on a conversation any more! I’ve never been much of a small talker…and now it’s nearly impossible!

Joe keeps telling me that I should call people and set up lunches or something every day. I think he’s getting tired of hearing my same, sad song. I’m tired of my same, sad song! But, I just don’t have the energy to make the calls. I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable or to feel like they have to say yes out of pity. I guess I feel like if they really care and want to hang out with me, they will call me. The problem with feeling that way is that if no one calls, it feels like no one cares. I just don’t want to be rejected, though, by asking and being turned down. That would just really hurt. I just can’t make the effort right now to do all the “setting up.”