Sparkle

From my journal dated June 26, 2002:

Had coffee with Brenda* today. She asked me questions like, “Do you feel like people around you are getting on with their lives?” She was very proud of the fact that their lives were about “90% back to normal.” We’ve known these people for six or seven years. Our kids were friends and have spent a great deal of time together. They have known the Christiansons for many more years than that and their kids were friends with Alina. What does “90% back to normal” mean? They’re 90% over Jason’s and Alina’s deaths? Am I supposed to be happy for them that they are “90% back to normal,” 90% over Jason’s death? Why would someone say that to me?

She also said that it still didn’t seem like Jenna quite had her “sparkle” back. No, I can’t imagine that she does! Jason has been gone less than four months. How is she supposed to have her “sparkle” back, especially with all Jenna has had to deal with on top of Jason’s death? Is the death of her precious brother and abandonment by nearly everyone she knows supposed to mean so little to her that she is able to just bounce back and can “sparkle” again???

I noticed that I sat farther and farther back as the conversation went on…major defensive position! How am I supposed to open up or be vulnerable when things like this happen?