From my journal dated August 29, 2002:
I dreamed about Jason for the first time this morning. Joe had gotten up to get ready for work, kissed me goodbye and left for work. I fell back asleep and dreamed about Jason.
I dreamed we were living in a different house, and I had come home from somewhere…and there was Jason in his room. He couldn’t remember where he’d been, but he was doing homework and getting ready to go to a dance with Hannah. I was so happy and decided to call someone to find out how they could so horribly misdiagnose his death.
As I picked up the phone to call, one of Jason’s friends was on the line, so I told him Jason was alive! Other people started driving up to find out if it was true. I went into Jason’s room to give him a big hug and to have him give me a big hug because I’ve missed him – and his hugs – so much.
I woke up smiling, so happy. And then reality crashed back on me, and I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I wanted to be in that place – in that dream – where Jason is alive. It just seemed so real as I was dreaming it. My mind must be picking up the way I really want things to be. I’m just so sad that it’ll never be that way.
I think I’m really struggling not to be depressed. I just don’t care what time I get up in the morning or what I get accomplished. I get very little done…and I don’t really care. Jenna said something about the house being a mess, but she really does nothing to help clean it, either. She just stays busy working or leaves. Eric doesn’t do much, either. So, I’m left all alone with housework or errands to keep me company…the drudgery stuff.
I just feel like I’m withering up emotionally. I’ve tried to reach out, but hardly anyone reaches back. I don’t have the energy or desire any more. I don’t have the desire for anything any more. I am so pathetic!