As I walk through retail or grocery stores, I am usually very aware of how parents talk to their kids. I notice the ones who lovingly pay attention to their children and speak to them respectfully. I notice the ones who are harried and (sometimes quite rudely) rush their kids along. I notice the ones who are so rude and harsh to their kids – it makes me cringe to listen to those parents. I notice the ones who are just awful to their kids – those are the ones that break my heart. Sometimes it sounds like they actually hate their kids!
I remember, when our oldest son was born, we were given a poem by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. entitled “Children Learn What They Live With.”
If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance,
They learn to love.
If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,
They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Although children make their own choices, which are sometimes outside of what the parent would wish (especially as they get older), I am a firm believer that a positively-involved parent can make a huge difference in a child’s life. Children hear our words; they see our actions and learn to emulate them. We make a difference in their lives!
More than once, I have been tempted to stop a harsh, harried, or rude parent and say, “What are you teaching your child by your words and actions? Do you realize what are you imprinting on their lives? Don’t you know what a precious gift you have? Do you realize how quickly these years go by? Would you be acting the same toward your child if you knew they could die at any time? Would you regret your words or behavior if you no longer had your child to hold close? Cherish the moments with your child! The shopping will wait; the housework will wait! Slow down and enjoy being with your precious child! This moment won’t come again.”
We’ve all been there – in a hurry, upset, impatient, mad about something. There is no perfect parent. Children aren’t perfect, either, and that can make parenting a challenge. As the saying goes: parenting is not for the faint of heart. It’s not an easy job, that’s for sure.
After children are grown and away from home, we empty-nest parents have a full realization of how quickly those growing-up years have passed, never to return, and then we wish we had them back to take our time and enjoy more. When a child has died (no matter what the age), the opportunity to spend time and cherish any moment with that child is gone. Our child is gone! All we have is memories, and perhaps regret for missed opportunities to spend time together with our child.
If I had the chance, there are so many things I would do differently. As a homeschooling parent, I probably spent more time with my kids than most. I loved it, and counted it an honor to be involved in their lives as they grew up. But, I am far from perfect, and there are times when the “should have’s” tap me on the shoulder to remind me of things I could have done better or differently. I would love to have the opportunity to spend time with Jason, to play another game of chess or Yahtzee. I would love the chance make chocolate chip cookies together, to teach Jason how to make my “famous” cinnamon rolls, or type up his homework papers as he dictated them to me (Jason’s “thinking juices” flowed best as he walked around the room and thought out loud). I would gladly hand over the keys to our new car and encourage Jason to drive it to take Alina home that night – maybe he would be alive today if he had been driving a different car. I would love to… The list goes on and on. Most of all, I would just love to have my precious boy here.
We always think there will be more time, another opportunity. Sometimes there just isn’t.
© 2011 Rebecca R. Carney
Grief: One Woman's Perspective 
Amen to that! Thank you for putting it so eloquently.
This is a great post. I hope it finds its way to many parent’s eyes! These thoughts are so full of truth.
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I am often faced with the dilemma of inserting myself into situations like you describe. I do not have kids so I think that gives me no right. I am, however, aware that each being has an impressionable, gentle soul and I long to protect it. Thank you for your kind heart and wise words.
I LOVE this blog. I agree 100%. I hope many parents read this and take the advice.
I have seen so many parents in stores etc. scolding their children and treating them like they are such a nuisance. It breaks my heart. I have been so tempted to walk over and tell them how lucky they are. They could be in my shoes. But I don’t. I hurry away as fast as possible because I find it heartbreaking.
This is a fantastic lesson and a great blog for any parent to learn from.
🙂
Tiffani
Great post…Thanks for sharing. I couldn’t agree more.
So true. It’s easy to take life and time for granted. I wish you peace and strength and you continue to deal with the death of your son Jason. I am sure there are a lot of memories you hold dear – may these help you as you continue to grow and move forward.
This post rings true to some of the sentiments I was feeling the other day. We never know what people (esp. strangers) may be dealing with, but this does not excuse talking to your child in a rude and hurtful way… http://alliwaw.wordpress.com/2011/11/24/pushin-around-the-kid-in-the-stroller/
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Rebecca,
Your post is Heaven sent! I am so caught in my grief now that though the tree is up, the ornaments are not. My son wants a ‘regular’ holiday (I usually go over the top with Christmas music, cookies, making gifts, adopting a family in need, the whole nine yards) I have not been able to get off the mark and make this happen: you just got me off my mark! You are 100% correct. He is 13 and then some and he will be leaving in a blink of an eye. I am so sorry for your loss and deeply admire your willingness to Go There with us as witness to your grief. I have learned an awful lot from you about walking with Grief. Today I learned how to let my grief take a back seat and put my Kid first. Thank you.
Your loss is the most tragic I can imagine and you take your grief and share it so that others may heal. I deeply admire your walk…
I also have to tell you that the poem you posted had more to do with me learning to parent than any other single thing. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and my mother wisdom came from observation and reading and knowing how I would have wanted to be loved.
Peace to you two, Jen
This Is beautiful. Thank you. As a mother of small children, I often fall very short and am guilty of a short temper and thoughtless interaction from time to time. I am oh so human. But I deeply respect my children-all children-and all children-and work to bring a positive, gentle, loving and mutually respectful energy to my role as a wife and mother. You put it so beautifully. There is no day but today. Make it matter. Live out loud and full out.
I often listen to people complaining about their children and I think (although I wish I said it out loud) to myself, please don’t complain to me, you never know what may happen to you or to them. Thank you Rebecca for a wonderful blog.
Although we have never met, you have been on my heart this week. Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts…and in my prayers today. ~Julia
Thank you so much!
Dear Becky,
It is with great pleasure that I nominate you for the Kreativ Blogger award. You write with courage and with heart; You have helped me strike a rich balance. Your writing keeps me going, is always inspiring and has deeply informed my walk with grief. Thank you!
You can find nomination details on my blog.
One of my greatest rewards this year is YOU!
Happy New Year!
Jen
Thank you, Jen…you are very kind! Happy New Year to you, too!
Great post – fresh pressed today (1/27/12):
This is a great reminder to me – too often I focus on the wrong things. I need to reorder my priorities, and place my kiddos up next to the top of the list, even in the grocery store. God Bless.
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